Kuhrt.net - Rants, Raves and Reviews - The Archive

This archive page is dedicated to spewing forth my opinions about whatever strikes my fancy, makes me twitchy, or causes me to reach for the Pepto. (hence the festive Pepto colored background). This is an archive of the stuff I wrote previously. The current stuff is right here.

Don't like what you read? Check out the disclaimer, below.

When spewed Ranting

Subject: Dave Barry says...(from the Humor List)

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.


A Photo From Jason's Wedding
At Jason's wedding they had a photo booth set up. This was the result.

Photo Booth

29-JUL-2011 MEOW

Mouse Trouble

My cousin sent this to me, so I'm not sure who did it originally. Made me laugh.

Mouse Trouble



11th Anniversary

It is Diane and my 11th Anniversary today.
Here are some word of wisdom from Ogden Nash...

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.


How to spend stimulus money

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q: What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q: Where will the government get this money ?
A: From taxpayers.

Q: So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A: Only a smidgen of it.

Q: What is the purpose of this payment ?
A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q: But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A: Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

  • If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
  • If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
  • If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
  • If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
  • If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
  • If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
  • If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

  1. Spending it at yard sales, or
  2. Going to ball games, or
  3. Spending it on prostitutes, or
  4. Beer or
  5. Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

16-JUN-2011 HOBBES

Scottish Wisdom

From the Humor List...

  1. Money cannot buy happiness but...somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
  2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
  3. Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
  4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
  5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.


Happy Towel Day!

Towel Day

Today marks the tenth anniversary of Douglas Adams passing, and another Towel Day. If you are a hoopy frood, you already know where your towel is. Go have a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster to celebrate!


From the Humor List

Subject: Death of bin Laden Under President Bush

How the mainstream media would have reported bin Laden's killing if it happened while George W. Bush was still president (by Doug Gamble, politicalmavens.com)...

WASHINGTON -- Continuing his crusade against the peaceful religion of Islam, President George W. Bush Sunday ordered a cowardly sneak attack on a Pakistan compound containing al Qaida leader Osama bin Laden. Consistent with the Bush-Cheney tactic of targeting non-combatants, the raid resulted in the murder of an innocent woman and three men in addition to bin Laden, who understandably had armed himself in an attempt to save his life against overwhelming odds. Reminiscent of Davy Crockett at the Alamo, the al Qaida head courageously went down fighting despite knowing he had no chance to prevail against unfair firepower.

Navy SEALs who burst into the compound opened fire without reading Obama his Miranda rights, a breach typical of Bush's contempt for the rule of law. In a blunder highlighting the incompetence of the U.S. military, of which Bush is commander-in-chief, a helicopter was destroyed in the raid resulting in a loss of millions of dollars to taxpayers.

Intelligence leading to the raid came from the heinous illegal torture of al Qaida victims held at Guantanamo. The raid itself was an illegal intrusion into a sovereign country, technically an act of war against Pakistan.

The thunderous noise of the U.S. helicopters caused great consternation to neighbors of the compound who had been trying to enjoy a good night's sleep, particularly terrifying women and children.

The million-dollar compound where the murders took place is similar to the mansions where Bush's rich friends live, having benefited financially from no-bid contracts awarded them by the administration, as well as gleaning riches from various other Bush and Cheney-related shady deals.

As word of bin Laden's murder spread, the "Ugly American" the world so hates showed its face in the form of disgusting celebrations in front of the White House, in New York's Times Square and at Ground Zero. The bloodthirsty mobs grew throughout the night, reveling in the death of a fellow human being.

With bin Laden's skin color being darker than Bush's, the long-held belief that the president is racist is now confirmed. In an ironic twist, bin Laden's death occurred on May 1, the same date as the death of Adolph Hitler, a tyrant to whom Bush has often been compared.

26-APR-2011 HOBBES

From The Humor List

Subject: Philosophy

The philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him. When the class began, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He then asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with an unanimous yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the grains of sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things -- your family, your spouse, your health, your children -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What does the beer represent?"

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."


Did you pay your taxes?

It is tax day afterall (since the 15th was extended so that all the Liberal tax gougers could party, and laugh, at our expense).

As Leona Helmsley once said, "Only the little people pay taxes". According to this article, it seems she was right. Check out all the corporate tax dodgers in this link...

Corporate Freeloaders

Makes you feel good about doing your part, doesn't it?


Photo Tattoos

Seems like a logical progression. Photos in frames. Photos on mugs. Photos on t-shirts. Photos in calendars. Now, Kodak, is offering Photo Tattoos!

Kodak Photo Tattoo

If you are wondering how it is done, it's simple. This was on their site on 1-APR-2011. April Fools!


The Sierra Club - Electric Cars - Myth vs. Reality

The Sierra Club has just published an interesting article about the Myths vs. Reality of Electric Cars. You can find it here


Rethinking Nuclear Power

Everyone that is getting all lathered up about the "dangers of nuclear power" should read this episode of the Skeptoid. We'd need a Chernobyl disaster every three weeks to match the damage coal and oil are doing currently.



Someone sent this to me, so I'm not sure who did it originally. Made me laugh.




BFR Passed!

BFR stands for biennial flight review. When you have a pilot's license, every two years you have to get a sign off from a CFI (certified flight instructor) or an FAA examiner.

Spent part of the day reviewing new FAR/AIM (Federal Aviation Regulations) rules and basic safety procedures. We then went to San Pablo Bay and did some maneuvers. We then flew to Half Moon Bay and had lunch at the 3-Zero Diner on the field (pretty good selection and tasty portions). After that is was the zoo of getting back to Oakland around all the various airspace restrictions over the main part of San Francisco Bay.

The weather was just right, and it was a great way to spend a day.


A letter to the President from a Physician

A young physician by the name of Dr. Starner Jones sent a short letter to the White House that accurately puts the blame on a "Culture Crisis" instead of a "Health Care Crisis". It's worth a quick read:

Dear Mr. President:

During my shift in the Emergency Room last night, I had the pleasure of evaluating a patient whose smile revealed an expensive shiny gold tooth, whose body was adorned with a wide assortment of elaborate and costly tattoos, who wore a very expensive brand of tennis shoes and who chatted on a new cellular telephone equipped with a popular musical ringtone. While glancing over her patient chart, I happened to notice that her payer status was listed as "Medicaid"! During my examination of her, the patient informed me that she smokes more than one costly pack of cigarettes every day and somehow still has money to buy pretzels and beer. And, you and our Congress expect me to pay for this woman's health care?

I contend that our nation's "health care crisis" is not the result of a shortage of quality hospitals, doctors or nurses. Rather, it is the result of a "crisis of culture", a culture in which it is perfectly acceptable to spend money on luxuries and vices while refusing to take care of one's self or, heaven forbid, purchase health insurance. It is a culture based in the irresponsible credo that "I can do whatever I want to because someone else will always take care of me".

Once you fix this "culture crisis" that rewards irresponsibility and dependency, you'll be amazed at how quickly our nation's health care difficulties will disappear.

Respectfully, STARNER JONES, MD


From the Humor List

It's said that if you play a Windows Vista installation disk backwards, you can hear Satanic messages.

Some people think it's worse if you play it forwards, as it actually installs Windows Vista.

19-JAN-2011 HOBBES

From the Humor List

  • Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
  • Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
  • The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
  • My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
  • The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
  • I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
  • It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
  • A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
  • My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
  • A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
  • I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
  • My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
  • Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
  • As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.


Liberal Charity (from the Humor List)

In the decade before Joe Biden became vice president, the Bidens gave a total -- all 10 years combined -- of $3,690 to charity, or 0.2 percent of their income. They gave in a decade what most Americans in their tax bracket give in an average year, or about one row of hair plugs.

Of course, even in Biden's stingiest years, he gave more to charity than Sen. John Kerry did in 1995, which was a big fat goose egg. To be fair, 1995 was an off-year for Kerry's charitable giving. The year before, he gave $2,039 to charity, and the year before that a staggering $175. He also dropped a $5 bill in the Salvation Army pail and almost didn't ask for change.

In 1998, Al Gore gave $353 to charity -- about a day's take for a lemonade stand in his neighborhood. When Sen. Ted Kennedy released his tax returns to run for president in the '70s, they showed that Kennedy gave a bare 1 percent of his income to charity. (Cash tips to bartenders and cocktail waitresses are not considered charitable donations.)

In 2006 and 2007, John McCain, who files separately from his rich wife, gave 27.3 percent and 28.6 percent of his income to charity.

In 2005, Vice President Cheney gave 77 percent of his income to charity. He also shot a lawyer in the face, which I think should count for something.


From the Humor List

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.

No wait...Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind.


A Holiday Message from Ricky Gervais

Looks like Ricky has been reading my mind about "Why I'm An Atheist", except, he is fairly coherent and understandable.

16-DEC-2010 SKUNK

The Decline of California

Here is an interesting article of what happens when the liberal and parasitic classes overrun the productive. Too bad it is an article about California.

Two Californias - Victor Davis Hason - National Review Online.


"The universe we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil and no good, nothing but blind, pitiless indifference."

—Richard Dawkins


Subject: A bad golf joke (from the Humor List)

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could to play.

"Sure," said the Pro, " But what's your handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," said the businessman," But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone."

"No, it's very important for us to know," said the pro who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16." The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa; you're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.

"Why didn't you shoot it?" asked the man incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here."


I P Oakland?


These signs started going up at the Oakland airport a while back. The idea is that it is easy to park at the Oakland Airport.

Unfortunately, that is not the first thing I thought of when I saw that sign. Looks more like a statement someone would say right before they had their prostate fixed.


An Odd Experience

The oddest thing happened today. I was out jogging with my neighbor and we startled a small fawn. It bolted and wound up trying to run through a picket fence. It got stuck half way through, wedged between the end of rib cage and the rear haunches. It couldn't back out, and couldn't go forward.

I got on the front side of it and put it in a hold to keep it from trashing it self in panic. We couldn't figure out how to get it out, so the neighbor went and knocked on the house door to see if it was OK to break the fence. They were not home.

Just then the fawn started screaming. Screaming? I've never heard deer make noises like that before. Startled the crap out of me.

I still had it in a fairly tight hold. I figured if it could get through the fence in the forward direction, then it should be able to back out if the ribs were not heaving in and out so much. I put my finger tips on edge of the rib cage for guidance and timed it to the exhale. I then gave it a nudge and guided the fawn backwards.

It took off and didn't seem any worse for wear. Little jerk didn't even say thanks.


Subject: I was walking across a bridge one day...(from the Humor List)
A quick summary of why I'm not a big fan of religion.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"


"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"


"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"


"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"


"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.


Subject: Newspaper Headlines From The Year 2035 (from the Humor List)

  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
  • White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
  • Baby conceived naturally...Scientists stumped.
  • Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
  • Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  • 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
  • Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
  • Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
  • Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.


Subject: Puns for Thinkers (from the Humor List)

  • The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  • I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
  • She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  • A rubber band pistol was confiscated from the algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
  • A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  • A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
  • I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
  • The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
  • When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Insert groan now.


Subject: Wrong Number (from the Humor List)

It was a Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my living room watching television when the phone rang.

"Hello?" I said.

A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was most definitely a wrong number, but I was bored.

So I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

Silence on the other end... a confused silence.

"Is this Steve?"

My name isn't Steve, either. But I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."

A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"

"The girl he went out with."

"I know that! I mean... who is she?"

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"

"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?"

Apparently she wasn't.

"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

-- Click --

10-JUN-2010 EYEORE

Subject: New Alphabet (from the Humor List) helps if you read it in a Dr. Seuss sing song style

Old Alphabet:
A is for apple, and B is for boat, that used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, but let's be more realistic instead.

The New Alphabet:

  • A's for arthritis;
  • B's the bad back,
  • C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
  • D is for dental decay and decline,
  • E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
  • F is for fissures and fluid retention,
  • G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
  • H is high blood pressure--I wish it were low;
  • I for incisions with scars you can show.
  • J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
  • K is for knees that crack when they bend.
  • L's for libido, what happened to sex?
  • M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
  • N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
  • O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
  • P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
  • Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
  • R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
  • S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
  • T is Tinnitus; those bells in my ears!
  • U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
  • V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
  • W for worry, now what's going 'round?
  • X is for X ray, and what might be found.
  • Y for another year I'm left here behind,
  • Z is for zest I still have--in my mind!

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed.
I have twenty-six doctors fully employed!

Found in my in-box. Author unknown to me.


The Top 12 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School Courtesy of www.topfive.com

12. Lesson 1: A guy who looks and sounds like Danny DeVito in a bathrobe points to a pile of concrete blocks and says, "Knock yourselves out, Grasshoppers."

11. All the trophies in the display case appear to be altered bowling trophies.

10. Due to a misspelling of "Martial Arts" on the door, half the class shows up with vibrators and lotions.

9. Other students show up with sketchbooks.

8. Instead of belts, levels of prowess are denoted by colorful suspenders and co-ordinating ascots.

7. Although the Grandmaster's hands "move faster than the eye can see", you can still detect a fair amount of nose picking going on.

6. The lesson keeps getting interrupted while the Master swaps French fry baskets.

5. As a student is wheeled out by paramedics, the instructor says "Class, name 3 things Alan did wrong."

4. You're pretty sure "Monkey Style" does not involve masturbating and throwing feces at your attacker.

3. You practice kicks on a stage while sweaty men stuff dollar bills in your g-string.

2. Spent the first eight lessons learning to talk while moving your lips in a seemingly unrelated manner.

1. At the end of every class, your instructor says, "...or you could just buy a friggin' gun."


Subject: One More Wish (from the Humor List)

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your 2nd wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted the wish and disappeared forever, "that was your first wish, too!"


What Side Of The Fence Are You On?

from the Humor List

An easy test to see which side of the fence you are on...

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".

4-MAR-2010 CAT_ACK


The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of transmitted disease. The disease is contracted through ignorant, promiscuous, and irresponsible behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectem and is pronounced "gonna re-elect 'em."

Many victims contracted it in 2008, after having being "brainwashed" with promised change and then screwed. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how widespread this disease has become since it is so easily cured....by voting out all incumbents!

Apparently, there is a vaccine available in Massachusetts.


Old Dogs (from the Humor List)

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and, before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike; a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs...
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance come only with age and experience.


Never Assume

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?", asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN", he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is... You're NOT my flight instructor?"


The Death of Common Sense(from the Humor List)

Obituary: Common Sense
[by Lori Borgman -- first published in the Indianapolis Star on 15 March 1998]

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.

Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.

For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second.

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including feminism, body piercing, whole language and "new math."

But his health declined when he became infected with the "If-it-only- helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal regulation.

He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers and enlightened auditors. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of six-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for asbestos, low flow toilets, "smart" guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and mandatory air bags.

Finally when told that the homeowners association restricted exterior furniture only to that which enhanced property values, he breathed his last.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

16-JAN-2010 4_OF_5_STARS


Watchmen is another graphic novel put on film, and like Sin City, it is a bit grittier than the average flick. If you're easily made squeamish, then this won't be the flick for you. Plus, at two and a half hours, it is a bit of a time investment.

Since I've never read the comic book, um, graphic novel, I can't comment on how well it does, or does not, follow the print version. I can say it was a well done movie visually, and thematically. The alternate 1985 depicted, and the time periods leading up to it, were shown in such a way that it rang familiar, yet different.

It was a nice touch that most of the "good guys" we far from squeaky clean, and had some pretty grizzly skeletons in their collective closets. While the ending was a bit predicatable and preachy, it did not completely ruin the movie as a whole.

All in all, I'd give it a 3.5 out of five (with the graphic rounded up to four).

cover Get Netflix!
Amazon logo Buy it from Amazon.
IMDb logo Get more info from IMDb.


Bowl Games

Iowa State Logo Iowa Hawkeye Logo Both Iowa State and Iowa won a bowl game this year. I'm not sure how often that happens, but it is probably not very often. Iowa State beat Minnesota 14-13 in the Insight Bowl. Iowa beat Georgia Tech 24-14 in the Orange Bowl.

It might have something to do with the fact that there are 34 bowl games now. That means 68 of the 118 (or so) Division I (or is it FBS?) schools get to go to a bowl. Is this an attempt to wrest every TV dollar possible out of college football, an extension of the "everybody gets a gold star" mentality, or both?

I'm going with both.

I can't count the number of times I saw a TV listing for a bowl game and said, "Who is playing who, in the what bowl?".


Mommy the Pole Dancer

Mommy the pole dancer

My brother sent this to me the other day. I don't know if it's real, or made up, but I did find it funny.

When I first saw it, and before I read the explanation, I thought it was something straight out of "My Name is Earl".


The voice sounds familiar...

What do you know? It is me.



I was adjusting my mail server yesterday afternoon to try and reduce the amount of SPAM that comes through. In the process of "fixing" it, I got it to the point where sending mail to me would be rejected.

OK, that does reduce SPAM, but it was not quite what I intended.

If you sent me mail yesterday and got a message like "invalid user or relay attempt", that is why.

Resend it, and it should be OK today. (fingers crossed)

12-OCT-2009 OAK_LOGO

I'm happy that the A's are playing great in the post season!

Too bad it's individual players that used to be A's, and not the A's as a team. Nick Swisher with the Yank-mes, Carlos Gonzales (CarGon) and and Huston Street with Colorado, Joe Blanton for the Phillies, Andre Ethier for LA Dodgers (the ONLY team in Los Angeles, by the way, regardless of the inaccurate marketing hype put out by the Angels).

Matt "The Goat" Holliday, who blew the series for the Cardinals, was also an A. Since he was here for only a half season and batted horribly, I don't really consider him an A.

Wonder who we'll trade away, for nothing in return, this year?


172SP Checkout

I decided to learn a new airplane, and for the last few weeks have been taking lessons from Fiona McChesney in Cessna 172SPs.

Today I got signed off as being proficient enough for insurance and flying club policies. I can now fly 172SPs.

Next up, Cessnas with Garmin G1000 glass panel avionics.


Pi Bar (Π) dry run

Pi Bar with people


We finally got through the permit problems and did one final dry run to make sure we had good pizza dough and tap flow. Pies (Πs) were tossed and cooked, beers were poured, hands were shook and backs were slapped.

We are ready to go.

Official opening day, October 1st!

See the Pi Bar webpage for the menus, map and "the manifesto".


Oakland Parking - More examples of City Council retardation

Oakland parking poster

With the city budget 80 million in the red our esteemed city council members decided that the thing that would most help city businesses attact customers is to raise the parking rates to $2.00 per hour on all meters, and change the meter times to twelve hours a day. Of course they didn't bother to update the information on any of the meters themselves, but they did hire more thugs to write tickets. Oh, and they raised the fines as well.

As you can guess this does drive customers and business. AWAY from Oakland!

I saw the poster on the left hanging in a window in a business in town. Sorry it is a hard to see, but I was taking a picture of it from the outside. It basically shows the city as a ghost town with all businesses boarded up. The cartoon city councilman is jumping in the air yelling, "Mission Accomplished!".

But then what do you expect from a group of people that have no experience doing business that isn't under the table or funneled directly into their pet projects. This from a group that had two members, Brooks and Quan, spend so much time and energy fighting for a parking spot next to City Hall that the City Attorney had to get involved?

Another for instance, Quan, the councilman for my district, is such a good businessperson that she ran the Oakland School District into bankruptcy, and it had to be taken over by the state. She followed that up by frittering away the 100 million dollar surplus the City had a few years ago. When the downturn came it was certainly good we had that surplus to fall back on, otherwise...

Oh, wait, we didn't...

So the question becomes;
Oakland Politicians:
Or both?


A horse, a horse... from the Humor List

Dr. Timothy McCarthy while receiving a medical award for creativity, reported his findings to the Fellows of plastic surgery, concluding with this case study:

"Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House."


$50 for the homeless

from the Humor List

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed.

"Wow... what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the $50, you earned, to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.


From the Humor List
Subject: An Easily Understandable Explanation of Derivative Markets

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics.

Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers.

Now, do you understand?


Health Care

I saw this on the Humor List today.

Proposed Health Care Bumper Stickers:

  • My Other Car Is A Health Insurance Payment
  • My Death Panel Is An HMO
  • One Nation, Underinsured
  • My Car Has Better Insurance Than I Do
  • Underinsured Baby On Board
  • Hate Socialism? Repeal Medicare!!
  • It's Okay... Congress Has GREAT Insurance
  • Kill Healthcare! 30,000 Lobbyists Can't Be Wrong!
  • Every Time A Claim Is Denied An Adjuster Gets His Wings

The Accidental Tomato

Accidental Tomato

Earlier this year I was having problems with a lemon tree I had in a planter. The leaves were starting to look bad and some of the branches were dying. I took a couple of leaves in a bag to Thornhill Nursery, and the guy there said it looked like the roots were rotting and being crowded, and suggested I replant it in a larger tub. He said it was probably too late, but I might as well try anyway.

So I went out and got a larger planter, added two to three inches of soil from my compost heap around the bottom and sides, and put the tree in its new home. I gave it plenty of water and set it outside to drain before moving it through the house and back to the patio on the sunny side of the house.

That night the deer decided that lemon leaves were yummy, and ate all but one leaf.

Deer are jerks!

I brought the plant inside, knowing full well it wouldn't live with only one leaf. Sure enough a few weeks later I had a lemon stick in a pretty new planter. Bummer.

So I let the dead stick "art project" sit while I pondered if I wanted to get a replacement lemon tree. After a couple of weeks I saw a few odd plants growning.

Whadda ya know. Tomato plants! Neato!

27-JUL-2009 CAT_ACK

Tour Wrapup

The 2009 Tour de France is finally over and Contador wound up first, with Andy Schleck second and Lance third. While Contador has been declared the winner of the Tour, he is a loser in every other sense of the word.

Instead of working for his team, Astana, he worked against them at every opportunity. While they carried his sorry ass across the flat stages, and worked to keep him near the top of the GC, he went out of his way to sabotage the team in the mountains. Had it not been for his petulant, childish, tactics, Astana could have finished with three on the podium. He still could have had his precious yellow jersey, and waved his teenie weenie in Lance's general direction, and come out looking like a true champion.

Nope. He decided to be a selfish jackass.

Wonder what team will be desperate enough to sign him for next year? He won't be on Astana, and it is a sure bet he won't be on the newly formed Radio Shack squad.

Hopefully, none.


Pi Bar Progress

Pi Bar SF fixup

Diane and I invested in Pi Bar in San Francisco, a yet-to-be-open, specialty beer and craft pizza establishment near 25th and Valencia.

We were there just a few days ago and the build out is looking pretty good. Don't let the stark nature of the photo fool you, previously it was a Thai restuarant with a mish-mash of architectural quirks that didn't look good at all.

The hope is to have it finished and open for business by the end of August.

Why invest in a restuarant in this day and age, you ask? Well, we could lose money in the market, or in this restuarant. Charles Schwab has yet to offer me free beer and pizza when they lose our money.


Five Reasons Why Bob Geren Should Be Sacked

I just found this article on bleacherreport.com and thought it made some interesting points about how the A's have struggled under manager Bob Geren.

Let's see. In Ken Macha's last year, 2006, the A's went 93-69, got first place in tha AL West, and got to the second round of the playoffs. During the off-season, with time left on his contract, Macha was cut loose.

Bring in Geren, Billy Beane's buddy and best man.

Since then Geren has done...

Year Record Position in the AL West
200776-86third, but only one game out of last
200875-86third, but only because Seattle went into epic fail mode
2009 (so far)35-47last, 11 games out, and on track for a 70-92 record

I'm surprised Bleacher Report could only come up with five.

2-JUL-2009 MEOW

Cat Combo

KC and Cole on the bed

We inherited a new (to us) cat a week, or so, ago. Since we already have three cats in the house, I worried that the "new kid" would not fit in. KC, the "new kid", is actually the oldest of the four, but he is the newest to the house.

As you can see, KC (orange, on the right) and Cole are OK with napping on the same bed. Before I got out of bed to take this picture I had one on each side of me.

Now if I can just get Squeakums to play nice, we'll have made the transition from cat chaos, to cat combo!


Subject: Economic stimulis, from the Humor List

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism...

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business.

Found in my in-box. Author unknown to me.


Subject: Golf Truths You Probably Didn't Know from the Humor List

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap; for example, backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.

Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are ... that is why I get so many calls to play with friends.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

A pro shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he's shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweat- shirt will do just fine.

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and break wind while you're performing brain surgery.

11-JUN-2009 OAK_LOGO

MLB First Year Draft

So I watched the MLB First Year Player Draft for a while (Yes, I was that bored) and was struck by two things...

  1. How is that the A's sucked so hard last year but only got a 14th place pick in the first round?
  2. Has anyone, but me, noticed that Bug Selig looks like Bill Gates' older, greasier, and less trustworty Brother?

Let us compare...

Bud Slimeball

That's not a fair comparison. I only used my monopoly position to collude the players association out of a third of a billion dollars, deny any possible competition, and keep franchises under my control.

Bill Gates Stupid

I'd have to agree, not a fair comparison. I used my monopoly position to bilk consumers out of trillions of dollars, squash competition from better products, and keep my licensees under control.

Well, perhaps I was wrong. They don't seem to be the same at all. My mistake.

11-MAY-2009 OAK_LOGO

Just in case you need more disdain for the Yankees
From Phil Mushnick's column in the NY Post:

Reader Gary Cicio, NYC podiatrist, did the research, and asks us to choose one of the two options to see a Mariners-Yankees game this season, and from the very best seats:

Option 1: Two tickets to Tuesday night, June 30, Mariners at Yanks [at Yankee Stadium], cost for just the tickets, $5,000.

Option 2: Two round-trip airline tickets to Seattle, Friday, Aug. 14, return Sunday the 16th, rental car for three days, two-night double occupancy stay in four-star hotel, two top tickets to both the Saturday and Sunday Yanks-Mariners games, two best-restaurant-in-town dinners for two. Total cost, $2,800. Plus-frequent flyer miles.

My comment: I guess the Yankees have to figure out some way to pay for the $300 million dollar cheater that is A-Fraud.


From the Humor List
Subject: The History of Cinco de Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But, as we know, the great ship did not make it to NewYork. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and who were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

There is a group of people out there who don't believe this story, and are not in favor of Cinco De Mayo.
They are known as the Cinco De Mayo nays.

27-APR-2009 OAK_LOGO



I may carp about the A's every now and then, but at least they can spell the team name correctly on the jersey.

My sister, a suffering Nats fan, sent me this picture. She said that she suspected the Baltimore Orioles of this because they are the team in that market known as the "O's", so Washington had to give up their "O"s.

I thought it was because they were putting zeros up on the scoreboard with such speed and vigor that they had to start taking O's off the uniforms to keep up with demand.



Bottom of the AL West already

OK, so it's only one game. But does it portend to another layer of suckage for the city of Oakland?


Calvin as CEO

Talk about prescient, this Calvin and Hobbes cartoon is from April 4th, 1993.


BFR Passed!

BFR stands for biennial flight review. When you have a pilot's license, every two years you have to get a sign off from a CFI (certified flight instructor) or an FAA examiner.

I spent some time with flying with Christopher Freeze today getting grilled and drilled on proper aircraft flying techniques and safety. Must have done OK, since he signed my logbook! Good for another two years!


Rodney Dangerfield Jokes, from the Humor List

This girl was ugly. I took her to a dog show. She won.

This girl was ugly. I took her to a plastic surgeon. He added a tail.

This girl was ugly. I took her to the beach. The tide went out and stayed there.

Ah, one thing in football don't make sense. The two-minute warning. What's the big warning? Everyone knows you have two minutes to play. To me a two-minute warning is ... like when you're in bed with a chick. The phone rings. It's her husband on his car-phone. He says, "Honey, I'll be home in two minutes." That's a two-minute warning!

Oh, my wife told me she needs five thousand dollars - all her mother's teeth have to come out. I told her, "I'll give you ten thousand dollars - take her tongue out!"

I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm ugly - he told me to lay on the couch - face down!

Oh, the other night, my wife met me at the front door, she was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble is - she was coming home!

I can't lose any weight, I tried jogging - I keep running into restaurants!

Oh, my wife signed me up for a bridge club - I jump off next Tuesday!

I'm getting old. I got no sex life - why, if I squeeze into a parking space I'm sexually satisfied!

Oh, I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places!

Oh, my old man was strict - he allowed no drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst!


Happy New Year, from the Humor List

New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

  -- Mark Twain


Subject: Dreaming, from the Humor List

Some men see things as they are and say "Why?"

I dream things that never were and say, "I need to quit drinking!"


Subject: Maverick Lawsuit?(from the Humor List)

James Garner Files Suit Against John McCain, Claims Infringement On "Maverick" Trademark © 2008 American Politics Journal

James Garner, who played the original Maverick (Bret - on TV), has filed a restraining order on behalf of Jack Kelly (Bart), Roger Moore (Beau) and Robert Colbert (Brent), demanding that John McCain and Sarah Palin cease and desist referring to themselves as "Maverick" or "Mavericks."

"It's not like me or my fake brothers go around saying we're POW's," claimed the still ruggedly handsome Garner. "And you can be damn sure, other than those rumors about Moore, we never wore lipstick."

McCain and Palin have been running commercials saying they're the "Original Mavericks" because of their stance against their own party.

"If they were ever on the set of Maverick, they would know that we were never against having any kind of party," added Garner.


Quick, look behind you!(from the Humor List)

Behind every great man is a woman...  rolling her eyes.

18-AUG-2008 3_OF_5_STARS


This is an interesting movie that didn't see wide release, as far as I remember. It is a Mike Judge film (ala Office Space) that pokes fun at the dumbing down of American culture. While the movie had flashes of brilliance, it also had sections of mediocracy, which made the overall film a two and half star effort (rounded to three for the graphic).

The movie starts out like a documentary, explaining how the rampant rabbit-like breeding of the stupid far outstripped that of the intelligent. The culmination of this unselective breeding resulted in a society whose average IQ hovers in the mid to lower double digits.

The conspiracy theorist in me says this movie didn't reach wide release because the releasing corporation, (Fox), didn't like the idea the major corporations they get revenue from might be offended. There were some thinly veiled jabs at most of the major pop culture consumer companies like Carl's, Gatorade, etc. Or, perhaps, they realized that the majority of people that would go to a theater to see this movie would be offended because they were being ridiculed (even though I doubt they would use that word).

Maybe I would have enjoyed this more had I been stoned or drunk, but I'll never know. If you liked Office Space, you probably won't like this as much. If you prefer King of the Hill, then you might like this. If you tend more toward Bevis and Butthead, this you might like the dumber, "Ow, My Balls!", parts of this, but be confused by the documentary parts.

cover Get Netflix!
Amazon logo Buy it from Amazon.
IMDb logo Get more info from IMDb.

Linus and I think alike...(from the Humor List)

"When you say, 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare at you blankly and say, 'Hey, I got those with the system, for free.'"
   ~ Linus Torvalds


How 'bout that, a talking dog!

A dog walks into a bar and says, "Hey, guess what? I'm a talking dog, ever seen a talking dog before? I doubt it! So...how about a free drink for the talking dog?"

The bartender answers, "Sure, why not, the toilet's right around the corner."


Subject: Woidz(from the Humor List)

The aborted sneeze, for example. You feel it coming, you get ready and it fizzles out.
Other alternatives: adenoidance, eruptus interruptus, nosedud, noblow and gesundnotquite.

The anxiety that is felt each year on first hearing Christmas music in a mall.
Other alternatives: Handel's Nausiah, jingle blahs or Santa Affective Disorder (SAD).

The thinning pony tail that some balding boomers wear.
Other alternatives: dork-handle, ratlet, and phoneytail

The person who tries to get on TV by jumping up and down behind a reporter
Other alternatives: jerk-on-the-box, parasight, tele-bitionist, teletwirp and vidiot.

Someone who engages in the obnoxious use of cellphones in public places.

Immaculate correction:
The spontaneous act of a computer fixing itself as soon as a repair person arrives.

The sound of a car engine trying to start on a cold winter morning in the driveway.

A perilous dance performed inadvertently on ice or hard-packed snow
Other alternatives: floptrot, hopsicle, triple klutz and dance of the sore bum fairies, icekaputs.

Indian bummer:
The blast of winter that comes after the first few days of spring warmth - in other words, the opposite of Indian summer.


Co-pilot in training

cute cat pic

Whenever I work on the computer I usually have a co-pilot, ready to help. Squeakum is now learning how to be a co-pilot, too.

25-JUN-2008 CAT_ACK

Smoke gets in my eyes

Bay Area Smog Smoke Fog Choke

Even in the middle of the day, the view off my porch looks like the picture, above. The amount of smoke trapped in the Bay because of all the wildfires about the state is amazing. The meter on the solar panels report that were running at about half our normal sunlight level. Normally our view is of downtown Oakland, the Bay Bridge, and the Golden Gate. Now it's just past the bottom of the hill.

Good thing I'm a smoker, otherwise this hacking cough would worry me.


Editorial: Requiem for the Hummer

This link to the Dalles News says that GM's probably going to kill the Hummer. About time.

Global Warming Bear Graphic

29-MAY-2008 MEOW

Squeakum gets bigger

Squeakum gets bigger

Squeakum is starting to look more cat-like ever day. He now has ears and runs about like a loon.


Happy Towel Day!

Sadly, the guy that ran towelday.kojv.net is gone, so, too is the nifty graphic. There is another site, here to honor Towel Day.


George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use...

The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down...

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Border...

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military...

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it...

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country...

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot...

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves...

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo...

Problem solved.


Baby Pix!

Cali and Squeakem

CaliCoCo had a kitten! His current name is Squeakum, since for the first couple of days all he did was squeak. That may be updated when he starts walking on his own and develops a personality.


Political Humor

The politicians were talking themselves red, white, and blue in the face.
    - Clare Boothe Luce, 1902 - 1987

Three groups spend other people's money: children, thieves, politicians. All three need supervision.
    - Dick Armey

The politician in my country seeks votes, affection, and respect, in that order.... With few notable exceptions, they are simply men who want to be loved.
    - Edward R. Murrow, 1908 - 1965

The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.
    - Franklin P. Adams, 1881 - 1960

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed - and hence clamorous to be led to safety - by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.
    - Henry Louis Mencken, 1880 - 1956

My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference.
    - Harry S Truman, 1884 - 1972

21-APR-2008 MEOW

Nuclear Cat

Diane got a new infrared camera. Here is our nuclear powered cat in action.

Nuclear Cat!

I don't know if the 63.8 in the center of the picture is surface temperature in F, or roentgens per minute. I see the forward exhaust port is glowing, though.


Frogs not the French kind

Normal frogs go, "Ribet, ribet, ribet".

Micro$oft frogs go, "Reboot, Reboot, Reboot"!


How about some Pi?(from the Humor List)

March 14th is always "National Pi Day" Why today? Because today is 3.14, the value of Pi. (Not valid in Kansas)

National Pi Day celebrates Pi, a mathematical concept and a number that never ends....at least no one has found the end yet. Often, we round it off to 3.14. If you are a mathematician, this is your day. For National Pi Day is a celebration of mathematics. And, more specifically ... it celebrates "Pi".

Today is the birthday of physicist Albert Einstein. Einstein was born on March 14, 1879. The date is also represented as 3.14. That strongly suggests some combination of these two facts is why someone created the day on March 14th. Of course, "Pi" was around long before Albert Einstein was born.

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.

Q: What do you get when you take a bovine and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Cow pi.

Q: What do you get when you take green cheese and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Moon pi.

Q: What do you get when you take a native Alaskan and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Eskimo pi.

Q: What do you get when you take the sun and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Pi in the sky.

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?
A: Pi a'la mode.


From the Humor List

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist ".
   - Source Unknown


From the Humor List

Subject: Air Force Sayings

"Yea though I fly through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
  - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
  - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
  - From an old carrier sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot messes up, the pilot dies; if an ATC messes up, ... The pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a rainy day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a plane crash seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
  - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
  - Jon McBride, astronaut

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash scene as possible."
  - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing. The crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
  - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

29-FEB-2008 HOBBES

EU slaps Microsoft with $1.35 billion fine

Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of jerks. I don't think 1.35B is enough of a fine, but you have to start somewhere I suppose.

Check out the article at CNet News for more detail. There is also an interesting related article on that site, as well, about how M$Slop's EU headache is just beginning.


F the French, AGAIN!

Let Levi Ride Graphic Or Let Levi Ride, you stinky cheese ASOs.

Seems the ASO (Amaury Sports Organization), the company that owns the Tour de Farce, is not allowing the Astana team to compete this year. While the Astana team of last year was kicked out for problems, this team in under new management and is a completely different set of riders. Besides, if it were just a matter of a corrupt team being banned, then why is Cofidis still in?

So Astana takes the team title and Levi Leipheimer takes the individual title in the Tour of California, but Astana is not good enough for the Tour?

HA! (see graphic in the Ranting Rating column)

It's not as if they were competing against the Little Sisters of the Poor Bike Team(s). This was a week long event against the contenders of the TDF like Gerolsteiner, Rabobank, and Quick Step, to name a few.

I believe Floyd, F the French!

I think that the French are afraid that the American racers will make them look foolish and weak. Again!

Smacks of the Floyd fiasco from a previous TDF. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, F the French, I believe Floyd. I also believe their witchhunts will kill any American interest in the sport, if they haven't already.

If Versus, the channel that carries bike racing, had any guts, they'd refuse to carry the TDF unless Astana is allowed to ride.

So sign the petition on the Levi site and let your feelings be known.


RSS anyone?

After doing the VMS Audio Update podcast for over a year, I finally got around to making an RSS XML file so random Joe can subscribe to my coma inducing podcast. The podcast comes out whenever I think I have enough material for a show. Sometimes it can be fun. Sometimes it is drivel. It is the only, as far as I know, podcast that deals with VMS, or OpenVMS if you must, news and interviews.

You can subscribe by clicking on the RSS icon, RSS 2.0 Icon , or clicking here.

If you don't know what VMS, or OpenVMS is, then you should probably not subscribe, as it will all be very confusing.

5-FEB-2008 CAT_ACK

Political Humor

Got some interesting gifs from friends regarding the current political situation. I found them funny. Hope you do, too.

Choose your driver with care
Remember, choose your designated driver with care.

I'm voting for who, now?
OK, I should vote for who, now?

Which direction should I take?
Obama may be the "Candidate of Hope", but what does this sign mean about Hillary?

28-JAN-2008 OAK_LOGO

The Masochistic Oakland Sportsfan

is there any other kind?

I saw on the front page of the Oakland Tribune over the weekend a story about how Al Davis, the Raiders GM/Owner/"Senile Crackpot" wants Lane Kiffen, the coach he hired just last year, to resign. I couldn't find a link to the original article at the Tribune, but this link will take you to a copy of it on another site...

What an idiot!

If the NFL declares Davis mentally incompetent, can they move the team (or any team) to LA without triggering another multi-million-dollar lawsuit?

Guaranteed. The Raiders will not have a winning season until Davis is gone.

Not that it is much better being an A's fan.

I went to the A's Fanfest on Saturday, along with the other ten faithful fans. The crowd was sparse, there weren't as many booths and vendors as I'd seen before, and the TV truck was nowhere to be found. They had a couple of places where you could get autographs from current players, but I didn't recognize any of the signers, so I passed.

Sad, really, when you think the A's made it to the second round of the playoffs in 2006. Last year they struggled to not finish last. This year, if the trend continues, they may break the MLB record for the worst won-lost record. Can they beat the 1916 Philadelphia Athletics 36-117 record?

We will see. As a Cubs fan for my NL team, you can see I don't choose wisely.

I'd say something nice about the Golden State Warriors, here, but...

  1. I don't want to jinx them, and
  2. they don't have Oakland in their name, so they don't really count.


Religious take from the Humor List.

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


Tahoe Skiing

Skiing in Tahoe

Diane, Tom and I ended 2007 with a skiing trip to Whistler/Blackcomb, North of Vancover, Canada. It's the site of the 2010 Winter Olympics, and the model of things to come with regards to the condo-iz-ation of ski areas. The main ski village is now a huge complex of shops on the ground floor, with hotels and condos on the top two or three floors. All laid out in a "Quaint European Village" style.

The food was great. The hotel was great. The skiing was great. But, like Disneyland, it was entertaining, because it was calculated to be that way.

Last week we went to Tahoe to ski. We stayed in King's Beach, which looks like it was built in the late Forties or early Fifties. The hotel we stayed at, Ferrari's Crown, has been family run since 1957. There was a plaque in the continential breakfast room from the 1960 Olympic Committe thanking them for their hospitality.

Deluxe accomodations? Not really, but then we weren't paying that much. The front desk folks were really nice and they had a lobby cat to greet you as you came in. The motel itself was a cobbled mess of additions and architectures spanning fifty years. For what we wanted, though (a quiet place to sleep near the slopes), it was just fine.

The first day we went to Alpine Meadows. The picture shows us at one of the chalets on the slopes having lunch. Unlike the zoo atmosphere found at most food huts, this one was not crowded, and quite enjoyable. Since we were there mid-week, we pretty much had the slopes to ourselves.

The second day we skiied at Northstar at Tahoe. This "destination" is owned by the same company that is building up Whistler, and it shows. Northstar offers more trails than Alpine, and we tried to cover them all before I drove back to the Bay Area that afternoon.


Happy New Year 2008

Pair o' Cats

Happy New Year 2008!

Since June I've been coaxing a feral calico into becoming a house cat. She was all of four pounds when I found her, and could barely stand up. She had lesions and had licked all the fur off her back. After about six weeks of putting food closer and closer to the back door I finally got her to come in to eat. Another six weeks, or so, and I could pet her. Now she comes in and spends the night more often than not, and gets along well with Cole, the big boy black cat we've had since November 2006.

So here is a neat picture to start the New Year of Cat King Cole (above) and CaliCoCo (below) in the reading chair.


Wait a minute, this is the old crap. Where is the current stuff? It's right here.

Wasn't there older stuff, too? Yep, right here.

Back to main page.

Standard disclaimers apply. These items reflect how I felt at the time I wrote them and are not affiliated with anyone or anything else. If you don't like it, don't read it again.